This is going to be in no particular order... so, bullet points are fun.
- First off, this whole... Bipolar Disorder thing is annoying. Like, I'm just tired of having this issue come up at every point in my life. Currently, it's bothering me hardcore... which is probably why I decided to make this post. "Crowds" of three or more generally make it worse. I took my pills this morning so, in theory, I shouldn't be having god-awful mood swings. That just makes me think that my medication stopped working... as it has 4 times already.
- I kind of hate myself for having to be on medication. It sucks realizing that without a regimen of pills that works, I'd be suicidal. I don't want that... and I don't like that... at all. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I shouldn't exist.
- Self medicating myself is something that I did pre-rehab. I honestly miss that and I want to pick it back up again. It made me feel better about myself and if I wanted to, I could just sleep.
- I don't know if rehab did more harm than good for me or visa versa. Like, sure. I stopped doing supposedly "harmful" things to my body... but, I'm not any happier and I don't feel better enough about myself for the whole ordeal to have been worth it in my eyes. I want to get drunk more than ever now and the only thing that makes me not is Nicky.
- I don't know how I feel about my own alcoholism. I know that it was offputting to Nicky, but he didn't exactly know what to say to me... for fear of me lashing out at him for it. Truthfully, I don't want to say that I wouldn't have. The best thing to come from my stopping drinking is that it lessened my mood swings very slightly. I miss my nightly glass of Merlot. It helped me sleep.
- I've been writing less than I'd like lately. Mainly, that's because I've been busy with everything... and when I'm not entirely too busy, I'm uninspired and I just... can't. I feel like one of these days I'm going to have to just sit there and write for like, hours. I have a deadline in December for a short story... and it seems like a long time... and it will seem like a long time until November when I thought that I still had a long time and in reality, no. I'm just a failure at managing time.
- The other day, Nicky and I went to the mall. In the mall, there's a thrift store. It was so cute... and they had the best stuff ever. I bought a tuxedo and I'm wearing it on Wednesday to school. I intend to look like I'm going to the Golden Globes. I will.
- Lately, well, it's hard to explain. I feel like my depression is coming back... not as strong, but still there. It keeps me up a little later and makes me over think things a little more. I don't really have much else to say about that, then.
- My relationship with Nicky is still strong, for some reason. When I started dating him, I had no idea that I would intend to be with him for a seriously long time, if not for the rest of my life. But now... I can't really imagine waking up without him right there.
- I miss Alex. A lot. He's the same best friend I've always had, but I don't see him enough. I hope he knows that.
- I don't know how my mind got to this subject, but whatever. When I was younger, I could be classified as promiscuous. It's kind of strange to me that I still think about that now... and I think about it more often than I'd like to admit. I mean, I know that it was a big portion of my life and it went on for 4 and a half years, so it wasn't jsut a once and done thing. To be brutally honest, I kind of miss that part of my life. I miss being naive and carefree for the most part. Sure, there was all the other shit I was going through, but I kind of miss that part. Though, I wouldn't give up my relationship with Nicky for that.
- Oh, great. Daniel. Yeah. I can't have a session of dwelling on my past and everything without him coming up, I guess. There isn't anything new that I can say on the subject seeing as it hit an end... literally. I don't remember if I ever mentioned how I met his mother this past summer. Well, yeah. So, here's how that went... She was looking through boxes that he had had in his apartment when he died... and she came across a disk that had "Pete <3" written on the dust cover. She watched it, because she figured it was another film project he was working on... and it was just him sitting there talking to the camera... to me... and a montage of clips that he had filmed of us... and now I'm crying, but that's ok... and like, she started calling his friends to see if they knew who Pete was and she finally called Kayden and he knew and gave her my number. We ended up going out for lunch and she gave me the disk and we had a good, long cry. She said that she's glad that her son died loving someone and also that it was me. That made me feel kind of good, but I'm sure she would have said it to anyone short of Ted Bundy.
- I haven't spoken to my mom in awhile. I kind of miss her, but whatever. We're doing our own things right now. I'm sure I'd just get sick of her if I was actually around her listening to her complain about being pregnant and stuff, so It's probably better that there's this distance between us.
- I've been relapsing a bit on the whole "eating disorder" thing. I get so... like... obsessive about the food that I eat. I have a nutritionist now and he said that I should start eating like, 3,000 calories a day... which is atrocious. I could never do that. I eat like, 1,000 calories. Maximum. If eat more than that, chances are, the next day I won't eat anything. Like, I get that this isn't good, but I can't help it. I've gone as far as I'm willing to go with the therapy.
- School kind of sucks too. I want to drop out, but I know that it's kind of pointless to right now. I'm at least going to stick through a year or so more... just to see if I end up getting anything from it. I kind of realize now that I don't think I'm going to get what I want from this school and since transferring is far more effort than I'm willing to put forth for a BFA, I'd probably just stop the nonsense and start my career as a writer and possible artist.
-Peter
