As the title suggest, I have been very curious about something. This something is kind of like suicide, but it's more. It's more... masochistic and it's more passionate. Not that I'm saying that suicide itself isn't masochistic and passionate... but this FORM of suicide is more masochistic and passionate than most that I've come across.
The details are fuzzy, but essentially it involves a (male) person stabbing himself in the heart and bleeding to death.
Now, ok. I can imagine killing myself. I have and I've tried. I have also (clearly) failed. Several times... but the point it, I don't think I could do it by means of stabbing myself in the chest. That's a very personal thing to do, not to mention extremely difficult. All instincts are telling you that you can't do that and you have to fight each and every one of them. It's almost like getting the resolve to pull the trigger to blow your brains out... but perhaps a bit more. Because not only are you physically pushing the blade into your skin, but you're also doing it right into your chest. It's symbolic.
So, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that this is great or that I condone it or anything like that. I'm merely discussing a point that I find interesting, as this is my blog and I can do that. I just don't want anyone getting the wrong idea from what I'm saying, which I normally wouldn't care about so much in this environment... but, this is a very personal thing for me, and I take extra care when discussing it.
I feel like I'm going to get very personal from this point in. I've never had a problem getting personal... as much as I have a problem with how people react when one gets personal with them. It's annoying, yet understandable. It's difficult not to feel uncomfortable when someone shares something with you that takes them to a vulnerable point. It's almost as if accidentally walking in on them changing. It's slightly embarrassing and bluntly... it's awkward. I get awkward when people share extremely personal things with me... and I notice others reacting like that when I do it... or when others do it and I'm merely a witness. Though, often times you learn something you'd never learn otherwise when you step back and observe.
But, anyway, I'll get personal now...
I've attempted to commit suicide three times. The first time, I was 13. I wasn't trying to kill myself for any profound reason, I was merely curious about death. At that point, I'm not sure I even had a complete grip on reality enough to realize that I couldn't come back if I died. I had tried to drown myself in the bath tub... which, now... is laughable, admittedly. The second time I attempted, I was 15. I tried to overdose on painkillers after a bad break up. To sum up that story in a neat little package, he hit me, I gave him chances, then he broke up with me, and I was broken. I couldn't fix the situation in my own mind, and I was nothing. And, if I was nothing mentally and emotionally, I was determined to make myself nothing physically as well. So, I took the pills and woke up two days later in the hospital. I was found by me friend, he saved my life, and he got me back on my feet. The third time, I was 16. My friend died, I jumped out of a window. That's it. I failed on that mission, but I'm rather glad. Upon reflection, that would have been a mistake.
I don't think that, at any of these points, I was emotionally stable to the point where I could have the confidence to hold a knife to my chest and stab myself. I was always detached from myself at least a little. There's no wavering when you're stabbing yourself in the heart. None. Even a second thought, and the action would stop immediately.
The absolute resolve doesn't scare me. No, I've had that. It's just... the absolute resolve to be the taker. To be the one that makes the final action that does it.
I guess this is a strange thing to post about. Especially since my mind just wandered here... I mean, it's not something I was dwelling on... it just rested in my head and I had to think about it and I suppose discuss it on here. I'm not fully satisfied with what I've said, as I feel like there's more to say, I just cannot verbalize it at this time. It's an awkward feeling, you know.
Until.
-Peter
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Well now, posting again.
I don't have much to say, I guess. I could go on forever saying absolutely nothing about everything. It's my claim to fame and my one and only skill. I think I just like the sound of my keys when I type. It's a ot like someone liking the sound of their own voice, I suppose, but as I don't like that I stick to typing out my thoughts and imposing them upon the internet where people aren't necessarily forced to read them... but boredom makes one come across some strange things. Who knows, maybe there's someone out there who wants Peter to just stop typing.
Today, I was presented with something like that. Apparently, I'm an asshole. Do I care? Not really. I fully acknowledge that I'm an asshole. The fact that the girl who thinks so couldn't tell me to my face, but instead her friend told me... is sad, at best. At worst, it's downright pathetic. I'm kind of surprised that it took so long for the conflict to arise, as I feel like I haven't changed so much in the last few weeks.
Actually, I feel like I've been more the same these last few weeks than any other time of my life. I'm not sure why that is, especially since it was the time of my life when I probably should have changed the most. It's just that the things about me that changed don't matter so much to me so I don't acknowledge them. I guess that's right. I'm not sure. I haven't fully analyzed the situation yet, so when I do I'll get back to you.
Maybe that's what I'll do now so that I have something to say.
Well, over the last few weeks/months I've gone into a depressed stupor that lead me to drink heavily on top of taking superfluous pain killers. Why did I do this? I would say that I did it BECAUSE I was depressed, but it's more that I was regretful. Which, is something that I hate to say but, is pathetic. The biggest reason I was regretful was that I had never told someone that I loved them, even though it was blatantly obvious that I loved them to the fullest extent of my or anyone else's heart. Before I could tell him, he passed away. I've mentioned this guy, Daniel, before.
This year, was strange for me. His mother contacted me and gave me a disk with my name on it that was among his possessions. She had spent the better part of a year and a half trying to find me. That was strange to me because I didn't realize that I would be that difficult to track down. ANYWAYS. She did and she gave me the disk which turned out to be a little film he was making for me. It started off with him acting goofy, sitting on his couch like he had just rolled out of bed with a cup of tea, a muffin, and his newspaper still next to him. It was like I was sitting with him. His cat even walked across the back of the couch from time to time. After he talked for a little while about things I don't want to talk about here, it cut to a montage of clips of us that he had filmed. Just... us being us and hanging out and being together. That's when I lost it, during those. Then it cut back to him talking some more... and he told me that he loved me and yeah. I watched that thing all day every day for almost a week.
That's when I started drinking. Ooh, fun fun.
Then I went to rehab... now, I admit that I do have my problems with drinking. I guess I could be considered an alcoholic, though I have far greater problems than that.
After I was in rehab and therapy, I came out taking more pills that I was supposedly addicted to as well as a brand new long list of things wrong with my brain. This... didn't surprise me, I guess. I don't know why, it would surprise any reasonable human being... especially since I don't exactly agree with all of it. But, whatever. I'm not the practitioner.
Among the already known Bipolar disorder and Clinical Depression, I was diagnosed with Hypersexuality, PTSD, and Narcissism. I wasn't aware that Narcissism was a mental problem as much as a personality type, but you learn something new every day. I go to three different therapists, three times a week. You would think this would change me. You'd think the mere knowledge of all this would change me. But, no. Apparently, the only thing that's changed about me is that I'm more of an ass than I was before? I'm not so sure that I am. I think that some people are just more sensitive than they were before, but it's not my judgment to call.
I feel like all this is wasted on me... more than anything because I cannot take my therapists or counselors seriously. 90% of the time, I feel mentally superior to them, though that just may be that pesky Narcissism. But, I am going to go ahead and say that they don't make sense and they tell me everything I already know about myself. It's disheartening to know that they seemingly have no help for me.
It's frustrating, I guess, but it's the revelation (albeit, a minor one) that I've come to. This isn't really an analysis of my current situation, but it's something, I guess. I don't really have too much more to say on the matter as I believe that I should probably go to bed. It's nearly two am. I do have some kind of things to do tomorrow, so that's it.
-Peter
Today, I was presented with something like that. Apparently, I'm an asshole. Do I care? Not really. I fully acknowledge that I'm an asshole. The fact that the girl who thinks so couldn't tell me to my face, but instead her friend told me... is sad, at best. At worst, it's downright pathetic. I'm kind of surprised that it took so long for the conflict to arise, as I feel like I haven't changed so much in the last few weeks.
Actually, I feel like I've been more the same these last few weeks than any other time of my life. I'm not sure why that is, especially since it was the time of my life when I probably should have changed the most. It's just that the things about me that changed don't matter so much to me so I don't acknowledge them. I guess that's right. I'm not sure. I haven't fully analyzed the situation yet, so when I do I'll get back to you.
Maybe that's what I'll do now so that I have something to say.
Well, over the last few weeks/months I've gone into a depressed stupor that lead me to drink heavily on top of taking superfluous pain killers. Why did I do this? I would say that I did it BECAUSE I was depressed, but it's more that I was regretful. Which, is something that I hate to say but, is pathetic. The biggest reason I was regretful was that I had never told someone that I loved them, even though it was blatantly obvious that I loved them to the fullest extent of my or anyone else's heart. Before I could tell him, he passed away. I've mentioned this guy, Daniel, before.
This year, was strange for me. His mother contacted me and gave me a disk with my name on it that was among his possessions. She had spent the better part of a year and a half trying to find me. That was strange to me because I didn't realize that I would be that difficult to track down. ANYWAYS. She did and she gave me the disk which turned out to be a little film he was making for me. It started off with him acting goofy, sitting on his couch like he had just rolled out of bed with a cup of tea, a muffin, and his newspaper still next to him. It was like I was sitting with him. His cat even walked across the back of the couch from time to time. After he talked for a little while about things I don't want to talk about here, it cut to a montage of clips of us that he had filmed. Just... us being us and hanging out and being together. That's when I lost it, during those. Then it cut back to him talking some more... and he told me that he loved me and yeah. I watched that thing all day every day for almost a week.
That's when I started drinking. Ooh, fun fun.
Then I went to rehab... now, I admit that I do have my problems with drinking. I guess I could be considered an alcoholic, though I have far greater problems than that.
After I was in rehab and therapy, I came out taking more pills that I was supposedly addicted to as well as a brand new long list of things wrong with my brain. This... didn't surprise me, I guess. I don't know why, it would surprise any reasonable human being... especially since I don't exactly agree with all of it. But, whatever. I'm not the practitioner.
Among the already known Bipolar disorder and Clinical Depression, I was diagnosed with Hypersexuality, PTSD, and Narcissism. I wasn't aware that Narcissism was a mental problem as much as a personality type, but you learn something new every day. I go to three different therapists, three times a week. You would think this would change me. You'd think the mere knowledge of all this would change me. But, no. Apparently, the only thing that's changed about me is that I'm more of an ass than I was before? I'm not so sure that I am. I think that some people are just more sensitive than they were before, but it's not my judgment to call.
I feel like all this is wasted on me... more than anything because I cannot take my therapists or counselors seriously. 90% of the time, I feel mentally superior to them, though that just may be that pesky Narcissism. But, I am going to go ahead and say that they don't make sense and they tell me everything I already know about myself. It's disheartening to know that they seemingly have no help for me.
It's frustrating, I guess, but it's the revelation (albeit, a minor one) that I've come to. This isn't really an analysis of my current situation, but it's something, I guess. I don't really have too much more to say on the matter as I believe that I should probably go to bed. It's nearly two am. I do have some kind of things to do tomorrow, so that's it.
-Peter
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Well, I haven't posted in nearly a month...
But, to be fair, I'm still getting back into the swing of real life. Also, I'm adjusting to managing having a legitimate social life with having none at all... which is what I call it when I'm on the Internet for more than 4 hours at a time... like today. Gah.
I've also learned that I hate almost all the music on my iTunes. Why is this? Because it's on shuffle. So, of course it never lands on what I WANT do desperately NEED to hear. ANYWAY...
I've been alright. I've been... going to this new place. It's called "outside". Apparently, it's not actually new. I just hadn't heard that it existed until recently; but, it's really great. There are people there. REAL PEOPLE! And things to do. It's quite a miraculous discovery. I feel like I may have heard of it a long time ago... but it was lost to me.
I'm also hungry. I want food. There is no food. This sucks.
Nicky's birthday is in 10 days, which is kind of cool. He's going to be 20. I'm not sure what we're doing or anything, but we'll see. Something great has to come up. Maybe we'll go skating again like we did over the summer when he broke me. Perhaps that's a bad idea... I don't know, we'll think about it.
Harry Potter tl;dr
We went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 at the midnight premiere. That was pretty rad. The movie, in general, was a lot better than some of the previous ones. It kept to the book for a lot of it, however, for being a "character driven movie" I did not understand why they decided to change Harry's character as in his mannerisms.
This observation can be noted from the scene when Hedwig is killed. First of all, they glorified Hedwig and her death. I'm not saying that I have something against her or anything, but that's not how she died. She didn't die a hero saving Harry's life. She died in her cage and then Harry dropped it out of the sidecar. She didn't give Harry away as the real Harry, though that is a viable explanation, it's just not the real one. The real explanation was that Harry was identified by the spell he chose to defend himself with. Expelliarmus.
The usage of Expelliarmus in duels of this caliber is almost unique to Harry. All the others use Stupefy or even Avada Kedavra; Expelliarmus has become a sort of signature spell for Harry. In the movie, he uses Stupefy. It's a minor point, but I think that it deserves to be looked at. One would think that it would have been easier for the director to keep that part the same... but, perhaps that's wrong. Who knows.
The effects were decent. I liked the gold sparks shooting out of Harry's wand to meet Voldemort's. Those were pretty rad. However, the Patronuses once again are a let down. Patronuses are NOT glowing orbs with weird tentacles. They just aren't. I don't understand why that is how they're portrayed in the movies. They're animals. Kingley's is a lynx. Kingley's is a lynx. Kingley's is a lynx. They used the doe patronus... why couldn't they use the lynx...? Who knows.
Dobby's death was done nicely. I feel like he was given the respect that he deserves, fictional character or not. I didn't like all the contrived speeches he made though. I felt like Dobby wouldn't have, especially the character of Dobby that the movies create. They don't even mention Dobby after the second movie, I believe... and now he's back and making speeches like he's the head of the mother fucking state. Hermoine was supposed to be unconscious for practically the last 20 minutes of the movie... and yet she wasn't. No one helped Harry with Dobby's grave in the book, unlike the movie in which he was helped by several friends, and I was kind of disappointed that he didn't carve a tombstone for Dobby reading "Here lies Dobby, a free elf.".
The directing in general, I felt, was not great. The movie went through events too quickly for comprehension. I myself have read the book 6 or 7 times and I got lost a few times. The movies generally tend to take place in the bracket of a year and this one was meant to be about half the year... but it felt more like 2 weeks, maybe a month, tops. It was awkward and the transitions didn't help. They shot from one scene to the other without flowing.
There was key information left out. Such as, the identity of the woman with the snake in her. Of course, those of us who've read the book would know it was Bathilda Bagshot, but what about people who hadn't? She's just a freak with a snake in her trying to kill Harry Potter with a painting of a handsome man in her living room.
There was odd information added in. Harry and Hermoine's dance... uhm what? No. Why was there a scene in which Harry and Hermoine seemed to consider being more than just friends? That never happened. In the book, after Ron leaves, Harry couldn't get as much as a smile out of Hermoine because she missed Ron so much and blamed herself for not going with him. She never loved Harry as anything more than a friend and they never had a moment in which they mutually did. It was superfluous and it veers off course. I'd like to point out that ONCE AGAIN, for having a character driven movie, they changed the characters a good bit.
A few other things I wondered about were why every serious line that Ron was supposed to have was turned into a punchline... in my theater, every time he said something serious hilarity ensued. It may have been the low-wit idiots in Theater 3, but I doubt that. I was also curious as to why no one really worried when George nearly died... though, I was glad he got to keep his "holey" joke. Now that I think of it, the movie was as if they took the criticism for the 5th movie (Order of the Phoenix) and applied it to this one.
The criticism for the 5th movie was that it was dark and there was never a happy moment, not really anyway. The argument for that is that that is how the book is. There is literally never a happy moment, but it's the keystone to the series and is essential for sense making. The 7th movie is almost as if they knew it would turn out to be dark without a lot of happiness and then ending on a sad note unless they made everything a joke. This, to me is not a good methodology for movie making, but what do I know? I'm not a director. I just happen to know what works for me and what doesn't.
Anyway, I think I dweebed over the movie enough.
There's a squirrel in my wall... I've named her Rebecca. She makes Liam freak out and try to climb the walls... it's adorable. For those of you who don't know, Liam is my kitten. Nicky got him for me while I was in rehab. Also, for those of you who haven't heard, Midge passed away two weeks ago. It was a sad time for the two of us, but we're carrying on. Nicky was especially broken up. He's a sensitive little guy.
I think we're going to have a quite Thanksgiving just for the two of us.
That's all, for now, I suppose.
-Peter
I've also learned that I hate almost all the music on my iTunes. Why is this? Because it's on shuffle. So, of course it never lands on what I WANT do desperately NEED to hear. ANYWAY...
I've been alright. I've been... going to this new place. It's called "outside". Apparently, it's not actually new. I just hadn't heard that it existed until recently; but, it's really great. There are people there. REAL PEOPLE! And things to do. It's quite a miraculous discovery. I feel like I may have heard of it a long time ago... but it was lost to me.
I'm also hungry. I want food. There is no food. This sucks.
Nicky's birthday is in 10 days, which is kind of cool. He's going to be 20. I'm not sure what we're doing or anything, but we'll see. Something great has to come up. Maybe we'll go skating again like we did over the summer when he broke me. Perhaps that's a bad idea... I don't know, we'll think about it.
Harry Potter tl;dr
We went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 at the midnight premiere. That was pretty rad. The movie, in general, was a lot better than some of the previous ones. It kept to the book for a lot of it, however, for being a "character driven movie" I did not understand why they decided to change Harry's character as in his mannerisms.
This observation can be noted from the scene when Hedwig is killed. First of all, they glorified Hedwig and her death. I'm not saying that I have something against her or anything, but that's not how she died. She didn't die a hero saving Harry's life. She died in her cage and then Harry dropped it out of the sidecar. She didn't give Harry away as the real Harry, though that is a viable explanation, it's just not the real one. The real explanation was that Harry was identified by the spell he chose to defend himself with. Expelliarmus.
The usage of Expelliarmus in duels of this caliber is almost unique to Harry. All the others use Stupefy or even Avada Kedavra; Expelliarmus has become a sort of signature spell for Harry. In the movie, he uses Stupefy. It's a minor point, but I think that it deserves to be looked at. One would think that it would have been easier for the director to keep that part the same... but, perhaps that's wrong. Who knows.
The effects were decent. I liked the gold sparks shooting out of Harry's wand to meet Voldemort's. Those were pretty rad. However, the Patronuses once again are a let down. Patronuses are NOT glowing orbs with weird tentacles. They just aren't. I don't understand why that is how they're portrayed in the movies. They're animals. Kingley's is a lynx. Kingley's is a lynx. Kingley's is a lynx. They used the doe patronus... why couldn't they use the lynx...? Who knows.
Dobby's death was done nicely. I feel like he was given the respect that he deserves, fictional character or not. I didn't like all the contrived speeches he made though. I felt like Dobby wouldn't have, especially the character of Dobby that the movies create. They don't even mention Dobby after the second movie, I believe... and now he's back and making speeches like he's the head of the mother fucking state. Hermoine was supposed to be unconscious for practically the last 20 minutes of the movie... and yet she wasn't. No one helped Harry with Dobby's grave in the book, unlike the movie in which he was helped by several friends, and I was kind of disappointed that he didn't carve a tombstone for Dobby reading "Here lies Dobby, a free elf.".
The directing in general, I felt, was not great. The movie went through events too quickly for comprehension. I myself have read the book 6 or 7 times and I got lost a few times. The movies generally tend to take place in the bracket of a year and this one was meant to be about half the year... but it felt more like 2 weeks, maybe a month, tops. It was awkward and the transitions didn't help. They shot from one scene to the other without flowing.
There was key information left out. Such as, the identity of the woman with the snake in her. Of course, those of us who've read the book would know it was Bathilda Bagshot, but what about people who hadn't? She's just a freak with a snake in her trying to kill Harry Potter with a painting of a handsome man in her living room.
There was odd information added in. Harry and Hermoine's dance... uhm what? No. Why was there a scene in which Harry and Hermoine seemed to consider being more than just friends? That never happened. In the book, after Ron leaves, Harry couldn't get as much as a smile out of Hermoine because she missed Ron so much and blamed herself for not going with him. She never loved Harry as anything more than a friend and they never had a moment in which they mutually did. It was superfluous and it veers off course. I'd like to point out that ONCE AGAIN, for having a character driven movie, they changed the characters a good bit.
A few other things I wondered about were why every serious line that Ron was supposed to have was turned into a punchline... in my theater, every time he said something serious hilarity ensued. It may have been the low-wit idiots in Theater 3, but I doubt that. I was also curious as to why no one really worried when George nearly died... though, I was glad he got to keep his "holey" joke. Now that I think of it, the movie was as if they took the criticism for the 5th movie (Order of the Phoenix) and applied it to this one.
The criticism for the 5th movie was that it was dark and there was never a happy moment, not really anyway. The argument for that is that that is how the book is. There is literally never a happy moment, but it's the keystone to the series and is essential for sense making. The 7th movie is almost as if they knew it would turn out to be dark without a lot of happiness and then ending on a sad note unless they made everything a joke. This, to me is not a good methodology for movie making, but what do I know? I'm not a director. I just happen to know what works for me and what doesn't.
Anyway, I think I dweebed over the movie enough.
There's a squirrel in my wall... I've named her Rebecca. She makes Liam freak out and try to climb the walls... it's adorable. For those of you who don't know, Liam is my kitten. Nicky got him for me while I was in rehab. Also, for those of you who haven't heard, Midge passed away two weeks ago. It was a sad time for the two of us, but we're carrying on. Nicky was especially broken up. He's a sensitive little guy.
I think we're going to have a quite Thanksgiving just for the two of us.
That's all, for now, I suppose.
-Peter
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