So, I've been curious about something...

As the title suggest, I have been very curious about something. This something is kind of like suicide, but it's more. It's more... masochistic and it's more passionate. Not that I'm saying that suicide itself isn't masochistic and passionate... but this FORM of suicide is more masochistic and passionate than most that I've come across.

The details are fuzzy, but essentially it involves a (male) person stabbing himself in the heart and bleeding to death.

Now, ok. I can imagine killing myself. I have and I've tried. I have also (clearly) failed. Several times... but the point it, I don't think I could do it by means of stabbing myself in the chest. That's a very personal thing to do, not to mention extremely difficult. All instincts are telling you that you can't do that and you have to fight each and every one of them. It's almost like getting the resolve to pull the trigger to blow your brains out... but perhaps a bit more. Because not only are you physically pushing the blade into your skin, but you're also doing it right into your chest. It's symbolic.

So, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that this is great or that I condone it or anything like that. I'm merely discussing a point that I find interesting, as this is my blog and I can do that. I just don't want anyone getting the wrong idea from what I'm saying, which I normally wouldn't care about so much in this environment... but, this is a very personal thing for me, and I take extra care when discussing it.

I feel like I'm going to get very personal from this point in. I've never had a problem getting personal... as much as I have a problem with how people react when one gets personal with them. It's annoying, yet understandable. It's difficult not to feel uncomfortable when someone shares something with you that takes them to a vulnerable point. It's almost as if accidentally walking in on them changing. It's slightly embarrassing and bluntly... it's awkward. I get awkward when people share extremely personal things with me... and I notice others reacting like that when I do it... or when others do it and I'm merely a witness. Though, often times you learn something you'd never learn otherwise when you step back and observe.

But, anyway, I'll get personal now...

I've attempted to commit suicide three times. The first time, I was 13. I wasn't trying to kill myself for any profound reason, I was merely curious about death. At that point, I'm not sure I even had a complete grip on reality enough to realize that I couldn't come back if I died. I had tried to drown myself in the bath tub... which, now... is laughable, admittedly. The second time I attempted, I was 15. I tried to overdose on painkillers after a bad break up. To sum up that story in a neat little package, he hit me, I gave him chances, then he broke up with me, and I was broken. I couldn't fix the situation in my own mind, and I was nothing. And, if I was nothing mentally and emotionally, I was determined to make myself nothing physically as well. So, I took the pills and woke up two days later in the hospital. I was found by me friend, he saved my life, and he got me back on my feet. The third time, I was 16. My friend died, I jumped out of a window. That's it. I failed on that mission, but I'm rather glad. Upon reflection, that would have been a mistake.

I don't think that, at any of these points, I was emotionally stable to the point where I could have the confidence to hold a knife to my chest and stab myself. I was always detached from myself at least a little. There's no wavering when you're stabbing yourself in the heart. None. Even a second thought, and the action would stop immediately.

The absolute resolve doesn't scare me. No, I've had that. It's just... the absolute resolve to be the taker. To be the one that makes the final action that does it.

I guess this is a strange thing to post about. Especially since my mind just wandered here... I mean, it's not something I was dwelling on... it just rested in my head and I had to think about it and I suppose discuss it on here. I'm not fully satisfied with what I've said, as I feel like there's more to say, I just cannot verbalize it at this time. It's an awkward feeling, you know.

Until.

-Peter